A Separation
by Man-lovingFeminist
Summary: Sometimes, a relationship is too unhealthy to continue.  As a strong, independent woman, I have been bothered by a certain relationship for long time.  I still hope I will change my mind someday.  FAIR WARNING: This is NOT a story for Meredith fans!


Sometimes a relationship is too unhealthy to continue.

Cristina walked down the halls of SGMW in a furious haze. Tears welled up. Her mind raced as she considered what she had just learned : first the hurt, the feeling of betrayal and then the anger – the white, hot anger, drying her tears and making everything clear. So clear. Things had to change.

"Meredith!" she almost yelled as she caught hold of her arm and dragged her to the nearest on-call room.

"What? What is it? What's Owen done ….?" Meredith started.

Cristina stopped her "Shut up! Shut up, Meredith!"

Meredith saw something in Cristina's eyes she hadn't seen in a long time, at least not since Cristina's suspension – maybe not ever.

"Meredith, I'm going to ask you something. I need you to tell me the truth."

"Of course. I always . . ." Meredith started.

"Did you . . ." Cristina found she almost couldn't ask. But she knew the answer. She needed to hear it from the person who she had considered her closest friend for the past 7 years. She took a deep breath, "When I was pregnant . . . . When I was pregnant, those days Owen and I were apart . . . did you lecture my husband about what an awful mother I would be? About how I would be just like your evil bitch of a mother? Did you really have the gall to interfere in my marriage and tell the love of my life, my PERSON, that I couldn't handle a baby – that it would destroy me, that it would kill my baby. Did you really say all that and deter him from speaking freely with me – from saying what he really needed to say to me? Did you really think I was so weak I couldn't handle a difficult conversation with my life partner?" Cristina almost choked on her anger as the words flowed.

Meredith recovered from her initial shock as she defended, "I was just trying to make Owen see that he was wrong . . . you were so upset."

"It was not your place to make Owen see anything! It was the most difficult time of my life." Cristina closed her eyes for a moment in an attempt to keep the painful memory back. " I hope it's the most difficult thing we will ever have to deal with. No, I didn't want to talk about it with him. How do you face your other half and tell them you are rejecting part of them, the part that was a result of your love? But I needed to. I'm a freaking adult - I needed to do that for both of us – to face up to the difficulty and sadness and be honest with him. I needed to have the courage to face his pain and hurt, to acknowledge for myself the reality of the choice I was making. It was something for Owen and me to work through in as messy and imperfect a way as we chose. Together. Maybe if we had we wouldn't have wasted the last few months in burying that pain and we could have avoided all of this mess we are in now. "

Cristina continued, "And who are you to talk anyway – just last year you were convinced I was going to take in your baby if something happened to you, so it's not like you know me at all."

"Cristina, I'm sorry, but I did it for YOU," Meredith declared.

"Don't give me that shit. You ALWAYS say that and it's ALWAYS really about you. That's practically our whole friendship – you taking everything that has to do with me and making it about YOU."

"That's not fair!" retorted Meredith. "Who was there for you when Burke left?"

Cristina sneered, "Oh really? Okay, how about it was you who pushed me down the aisle to marry Burke because "we need this?" You knew I had serious doubts – more than just cold feet. But you did it because of what you and McDreamy were going though, because you needed to have hope for your own stupid relationship. And Burke's mom was right – yes, even eyebrow-shaving, choking-necklace mother had your number – you used my failed wedding to send a message to your boyfriend. So not much thinking about me there.

Yeah, you like using my weddings to send a message to Derek. Kind of like when you kept Owen's best man in jail because you needed to teach Derek a lesson. How about next time sending messages to Derek at your own expense, not mine or Owen's."

"Goddam it, Cristina, I always have your back."

"Hah! Right, like you did when I took the fall for the intern operations? That was my career and you had just as much responsibility for what happened as I did. A real friend would have stood with me when my residency was in jeopardy and wouldn't have thrown me under the bus at the first sign of trouble."

"We're back to that?"

"Yes. Crazy, right, that I would ever bring that up again?

"Yes. It's over, why can't you move on?"

"Because I never got an answer to how you, who were supposed to be my person, could betray me like that." Cristina paused. "Or how about when I was laying with an icicle in my freaking chest, you were asking stupid questions about stupid Derek – not how are you doing Cristina, let me shut up a minute and focus on you."

Meredith scoffed. "You were fine – you weren't in danger. When things are serious, I'm there for you. I'm always there for you – when you're scared or insecure, I let you come in my bed."

"Exactly – what grownup does that? I can't believe Derek puts up with it. Just because I've had momentary lapses doesn't mean you need to treat your own husband like shit." Cristina said half to herself, " Maybe I need to start hanging out with someone who doesn't treat their partner like a doormat."

"You're one to talk. I never tried to trade Derek for surgery. Or played mean girl in the OR – you know the whole hospital knows how you and Teddy disrespected Owen and acted like junior high girls laughing at him - you're lucky it wasn't Chief Webber – he would have fired you for putting a patient in danger with your 9th surgery in 48 hours. And that wasn't me – that was you."

"Do you feel better now – got that off your chest? Good to know what you really think. So, you've just been "supporting" me because it makes you feel superior or something? Like when I broke up with Owen for that day – instead of realizing how much I felt like my life had been ripped away from me, you already had plans for me to have a room in your house. Like I'm Joey from Friends or something. Who do you think I am - that I would be happy just being your pet, having a room in your house?" Cristina caught her breath and continued. "You know, I thought when I had my breakdown you would be there to help. But you know what, again you made it all about you and how you felt about being in surgery."

"I didn't think Owen was doing anything to get you back in the OR."

"Excuse me, but Owen was the first person to try to get me back in the OR. The day after our wedding – unlike any other man on the planet, he wasn't trying to take me away, he was trying to get me back to being me. And he took shit from me for trying to do that because I wasn't ready. And then he took shit again from you because he let me find my way back at my own pace and that wasn't good enough for you – you who can't take even one day out of your life to go fishing with your husband . You know what Owen was doing? He was being there for me, letting me take it out on him, knowing me well enough to give me a push when I needed it and to back the fuck off when I needed him to back off. Unlike you, who tried to interfere again – who had the nerve to try to make him feel guilty for suggesting the fishing trip – the one that your own husband understood could do me good. Did you ever admit to Owen he was right? Because it did help and I got better."

"We're surgeons, we need to be the OR . . . ," started Meredith.

"And we are – all the time. And with Owen I'm finding I can still be the best surgeon in this hospital and that taking a moment away here and there just makes me a better. It doesn't make me weak. It makes me stronger." Cristina went back to the one thing that she couldn't shake, that she found it hard to forgive, "You keep thinking that I'm some kind of Ellis clone or a robot and Owen understands I'm more than that, sometimes more than I do. You aren't Ellis, so why do you think I am when all you ever say is how horrible she was?"

Meredith yelled, "You were laying on my couch and not talking to Owen. YOU made me go with you to the appointment over and over – not my fault you couldn't face him."

"Yes, and that's on me! But that's the point: it was MY responsibility to face my husband, not yours. You should have been my friend and not be afraid to tell me hard truths – or at least have the decency not to lecture the best man I have ever known about something that was between us alone."

Meredith's anger rose to a boiling point. "Hard truths? Seriously? You really want me to tell you hard truths? Like the truth that if you were so damn sure you never ever wanted kids why the hell didn't you get your tubes tied? "

"Wha …" a stunned Cristina began.

"Getting pregnant accidentally a SECOND freaking time is pretty stupid for somebody as smart as you and in your position – it's not like you couldn't have gone to Addison – she would have been happy to fix you up. But you didn't – you just figured you'd do whatever you wanted damn the pain caused to everyone else. So were you lying to yourself about never wanting kids or are you just that cruel to put everyone around you through that hell?

"Fuck you, Meredith! And I assume your including yourself in that pain?"

"Damn right – you don't have to want kids, but what do you think it took for me to see you have the thing I wanted so much – a baby that was half me and half the person I love – and to see you throw that away and not say anything?"

"See again – all about you. So because you were hurt you made sure Owen was hurt too – is that it?"

"You know that's not it. I saw my mother . . .

Cristina cut Meredith off and practically screamed, "I'm going to tell you for the last time I AM NOT ELLIS FREAKING GREY. I'm hope I'm a darn sight better human. I am NOT like anyone else! Owen sees that – why can't you?"

"So he sees you so well he cheated on you?" Meredith struck out.

"You don't get to have an opinion on that – not the woman who went back to the man who called her a whore, who lied to her about being married, who left her when she wouldn't agree to an ultimatum re a house and kids and only came back when she changed her mind to what he wanted, who batted her ring into the woods and told her he couldn't trust her? And the crazy thing is, I kind of even feel sorry for Derek now sometimes - that he can't even talk to you about what he spends most of his day doing. And despite all that, I don't try to interfere in your marriage. I don't tell you your marriage is stupid, even when I think it is. And you are talking about the man who tried to protect you from being shot and took a bullet for you, so you might be a little kinder on occasion."

Cristina saw Meredith's face drain of color and started feeling some of her bottled up anger dissipate.

"I'm sorry. Meredith, I know it's not all your fault. I know you tried and I know sometimes my focus on surgery has blinded me to things. And I am glad you're happy. Really. But our friendship has just become too warped to be good for me or for you. It carried us through the craziness of internship and residency . Maybe it took me a while to realize it was built on a particular set of circumstances– in some way kind of like what Owen and Teddy went through and maybe it needs to change before we hate each other forever like they do. But this is my life now. My real life. And I have my person and you have yours. Owen is my soulmate, not you."

"So … what do you want?" Meredith seemed drained.

I just think we need a - a separation. You know, maybe after some time apart, we can rebuild a friendship on something better than neurosis and tequila. But right now all I can think is how I can't breathe without Owen – or at least don't want to – and that's all I can think about right now. Okay?"

There was only silence in the room now. Cristina took a look at Meredith over her shoulder as she walked out the door. Maybe, someday . . .

Now, to find Teddy and tell her that she welcomed her surgical mentorship, but was no longer willing to be her lapdog.

****

Meredith came down the hall and saw her husband and the baby who already felt like a part of her and Derek and she felt a weight lift. Derek saw her red eyes but before he could speak Meredith said, . "Derek, don't ask me why right now, just . . . would you take me fishing one day soon?"

He smiled. "I'd like that very much."

"But not this week – I have a big surgery this week. I have a gift, you know."

"I know. The week after then."


End file.
